I Like How The Day Sounds

“Join me in welcoming the sun in

It’s much brighter than the night I hid in, I was a long long way off”


Why choose to live in the dark? Maybe there is a reason that so many kids fear it, that we sleep through it, maybe not. Maybe there is a reason we are not nocturnal. We need light.

Our days should be bright.

Our thoughts should be uplifting,

Our spirit glowing.

“And I think I like how the day sounds.”

God & all of you who’ve helped me so much a long the way:

“Thank you for opening the window, the sky is clear as my mind is now. Join me in welcoming the sun in. It’s well worth the time that it’s taken to get here now.”

And to All of us, let’s keep pushing, keep dancing and keep living in the daylight. All problem’s aside, we are only human. Meant to live, meant to LOVE


“So go ahead and bang a gong.


Nothing can drown out the sound of the whisper of my love.”     …or her’s….


When I typed sunshine in Google, this stunning woman’s picture appeared before my eyes. No doubt she is someone’s sunshine, I know her beautiful smile lit up my sky. Let her happiness be contagious.

“Oh my love, won’t you sing along?”

“Wont you sing along?”


Humans sweat, it’s what we do.

Note: Some of this feels really personal. I expose my heart and soul to all of you and I hope you respect that.

I love sweat! It is so incredibly cleansing.

I don’t just love sweat for its detoxification. I love it because it’s so ridiculously human. Like hairy legs, smelling after a few days without a shower, collecting dirt underneath our fingernails. Sure it may be a little gross. But that’s what we are.

Sweat is raw. It’s pure, like a human untainted from what is socially accepted.

Sweat is naked.

As we should be.

Have you ever experienced listening to words that were so spot-on what you needed to hear, it was unreal? Today I did.

I thank sweat for the opportunity to hear it(and God for sending the words through good ol’ pastor Daryl). Yesterday’s yoga class was HOT and seriously sweaty. It opened me up so much, physically, mentally and emotionally. I can’t even explain how much energy is flowing through me. My chakras as aligned and ridiculously open and man it feels amaaazing!! My heart chakra (anahata) was completely opened yesterday. I just feel so connected and in love with everything! For those of you who don’t know, a chakra is an energy center, we have seven major ones.

The yoga practice and sweat opened me up to hear what I was about to. It gave me the peace and awareness that allowed me to process it so fully. –Ah, man, I wonder if you can tell that I’m still riding on yesterday’s endorphins 😉  It’s brilliant(as long as I can have both the strength to eat along with the high.)

Well this morning, daryl began with a the image of a child. A sweet innocent girl, unafraid to act as she felt. She never put up a front, she wasn’t ashamed to dance during worship and to ask others to dance with her. Children don’t hold back. They’re humble. They’re human. They’re naked.

Followed by a story of a disordered guy whose only concern in the world was pop. He was willing to sell anything in his possession for two dollars so that he could by a pop. Daryl wished sometimes that he could have his only worry in the world to be evolved around pop. How simple, how sweet, how little stress he would have to face.

Next came the image of elderly in a nursing home. Confessions of how he sometimes wished he could live in a place like that. What if he could only trade all of his troubles to live in a place where everything was taken care of for him. As if they had no struggles of their own.

The desire to take their place based on the fact that their lives are so simple, straight forward and “unstressful” fails to acknowledge their struggles. The disorder of the man and the health/independence/aging of the elderly, not to mention their personal struggles. Of course Daryl knew that their lives were not perfect, in fact, they probably had more struggles and pain than he did. And that was his point. Why is it that we glorify everyone’s life but our own? Do we gain anything from feeling like we have it worse?? Do we simply enjoy self pity??It’s all a part of the comparison game. We yern for what we do not have.

In his words, we grapple for the things we can’t have.

He talked about Eden, about Adam and Eve and about the fall of man. Personaly, I think the story in Genesis is more about the lessons God is trying to tell us than it is about our actual creaton. God gave them everything, and they were happy. That is, until they started looking towards what they couldn’t have. They were searching for satisfaction in areas outside of themselves, in things that were not ment for them despite the perfection they had already been given. Thus, came the fall of man. There is so much to be learned from the story. God warned them. He didn’t stop them from eating the fruit but he did say that bad would come from it. He provided everything they needed and more. God showed us what a healthy lifestyle is. Nakedness, contentment, company. It’s simple. As Daryl said, when we start to grapple for things we are not ment to have, that’s when we go wrong. Take addictions for example…it’s the unsatisfaction in what we already have that leads to searching, searching for something more. Are the effects of meth good? Sure, they may feel “good” for a bit, maybe provide a bit of an escape, whatever gain it may provide is fake, it’s wrong and it’s no where near as satisfying as the happiness that is already right in front of us….if we will grab it.

  • Looking back now I see that I sought to be pure, unearthly, “holy” you could say. A being that is so much more than the flesh, unaffected by the confusion that consumes society. I wanted wisdom, freedom. Oh freedom. I wanted strength above all things. There was something about pushing the limits of the physical that in turn pushed the limits of the spiritual. And I pushed too far. In trying to escape the confusion, I fell directly into it. Because I was searching for something I already had. The healthy lifestyle I was already well on my way to living, the wisdom I was unfolding in my own mind. I forgot to be content. I was already a being that was more than flesh. I don’t think there is anything wrong for aspiring towards these qualities but it all depends on where and how you search. I can push the physical limits, but there is a healthy way to do so. Adam and Eve could eat fruit, by all means, they were given the best fruit in abundance, but they chose to seek the fruit of the destructive tree. They grappled in what they could not have. We all fell.

In the beginning, they were naked. “Not the naked that makes junior high boys giggle, and grown men gaze down at their feet“-Daryl. They were exposed, they had no secrets. Who they were was raw. They were simply human and were not ashamed. They definitely didn’t wear any deodorant to cover up their stank 😉 haha, but on a more serious note, they just didn’t have anything to hide. But when they fell, they tried to cover themselves. They hid. This only pulled them further away from God and further into their own destruction. 

  • I believe the first step of my healing was exposure. I unveiled everything. To all of you and to everyone, I even tell strangers flat-out if I get a curious look. This blog was probably my biggest tool in putting everything out in the table. But I also speak my thoughts. Within my own head, things can spin like crazy and it goes no where, when I voice it, even without a response, I gain perspective. I don’t hold my thoughts in and let them pull me farther from who I am supposed to be. I throw them out there. I get naked. We’re all only human after all. One of my favorite lines is, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Sorry to say, but we’re not original.

Then God created Eve. He said, “It’s not good for man to be alone“. Yes, some alone time is healthy. But we need socialization. We need someone else to keep us grounded. There is a reason for community.

  • I made support for myself. Yes, God blessed me in the people he put in my life. But I could have easily withdrawn and shut myself away with Ed. I am on my own in this fight but that doesn’t mean I don’t have people to lean on. Someone to give me water when all the running makes me thirsty. But I had to ask. How could I expect someone to give me water and be there if I never told them I was running the race or that I was indeed, thirsty?

Love and community are gifts, but we do have to give of ourselves to receive them. It is not good for man to be alone. It is not good for man to hide and it’s not good for man to seek nourishment from the tree and the fruit that will destroy us. We already have what we need, we know it too. We need to learn how to sit with ourselves, with God, in the garden that he has given to us and accept its beauty, our own beauty. We need to act out in love, take advantage of the partners God has surrounded us with and be the most that we can be. We should test ourselves, that’s how we grow. However, we need to keep in sight what is healthy, noble, true and beautiful.

We need to be content, we need to get naked, we need to embrace community.

We need to cleanse ourselves and open ourselves up to all that is around us and all that we are.

We need to become like little children.

We need to be unafraid of all that is raw and human inside of us.

We need to sweat. Yes ladies, without deodorant.


sincerely yours,

Just another human out there stumbling my way through this beautiful garden.

If you read this far, I’m impressed and thank you. This was loooonngg! lol, I even for bored proofreading. Phew!!

The Contagious Spontanious

Have you ever come across someone who simply made you smile?? no rhyme or reason. The corners of your mouth just turned up and your heart was lightened when you saw them.

In the heart of our town’s “old town” is a statue, below it is a fountain with a pool of water. It has become a wish pool filled with pennies and coins containing the wishes of our residence. In the evening just before twilight, a group of us were walking through the square. Laughter surrounded us as people dinned nearby and groups got ice cream or shopped, the square rats were hanging out, smoking and “chillin” as usual. I saw someone who just made me smile.

He didn’t quit look homeless, all be it, maybe a little crazy but there was something about him that emanated a serene peace. He carried a backpack on his bag and rugged shoes on his feet. His clothes were tattered and he certainly didn’t look clean. He wasn’t asking for anything, just prancing around in his own little world. He looked so happy. With a skip in his step he went down to the water. He bent down, immersing his hand in the pool of wishes and then turned to press his soaked hand on the brick sidewalk behind him, leaving his mark. And then he simply walked away.

We just stared, it caught us off guard. I was not the only one whose mouth turned up into a sweet smile. He had a presence. And it was contagious. We couldn’t resist. It was spontaneous and seemed like something bigger than what we could understand. So we followed his example. We walked down to the water, dipped our own hands and planted our mark right next to his. Staring back at us a was a cluster of different shapes and sizes all together in the same spot and made with the same materials.

The randomness of his action and the breaking away from the mold is something I won’t be forgetting anytime soon. His originality caught the one’s around him off guard. Even though he may have looked different, I knew that when I was looking at him, it was as good as staring in a mirror. I was human, just like him. And like him, I had a place on the earth, a wish for the pool and a hand print to make.

He didn’t know it when he danced his way around the square that he was planting a little piece of his heart in us. His smile spread like a fire and his spontaneity was transferred to us.

Seeing him that night, I was assured of something my heart has known all along.

We are all the same.

My previously too baggy skinny jeans fit! Woot!

Continue reading

The Gaining Diaries

Oh dear, it looks like someone has unlocked Adi’s diary.


There’s a Reason Bananas Don’t Have Nutrition Labels

Imagine a terrible, long, boring, monotonous math worksheet. You know, the kind you got back in middle school with pages upon pages of the same type of problems. They seemed to go on for days. It felt so pointless, time consuming, irrelevant and imprissoning. This was especially so when it’s friday afternoon, your looking forward to weekend plans and you swear the cute boy in the back of the classroom is eyeing you!! And instead, whats running through your brain is a ridiculous line of numbers!

Now imagine that the teacher tells you that you don’t have to do it, but your mind just won’t let go and you end up thinking about the problems all day long. And worse yet? your so occupied that the cute boy slips past you while your busy making calculations. You then go home to create more worksheets for yourself, of the same equations! Over and over they run through your head and you can’t stop it.

It’s summer you say? Why am I talking about math? and middle school? ugh, who wants to think about those tedious memories? my point exactly.

The calorie, more importantly calorie counting. Each of your favorite (or not so favorite) foods are connected to an equation. Before eating, you must, without question acurately solve each problem, find out how they relate, check and re-check the numbers and make sure every other equation from the day fits together. Ridiculous, unnecessary and downright lame? Absolutely!!

So many women these days are sucumb to this imprissionment in our society. We’re told that the secrets to weight loss is to count calories. Diet programs are set up like weight watchers that focus on numbers and calculations, or “points”. Why do we do this to ourselves? Poor women!! Some people get so off track that they swear by the notion that you can eat whatever you want as long as you don’t go over on calories and you’ll still loose weight. While this is true, it’s so unhealthy! (for mind and body)

We’re talking a system that promotes eating this:

over this:

And that it’s better to treat yourself to this

Rather than this:

I don’t know about you, but I would MUCH rather eat the real foods. I may be crazy but I think they taste better too…

Where has the nutrition gone??

A large reason for it’s disapearance (though not the only one) is the focus on counting calories. It’s the diet mindset. Sure you may be consuming processed, chemical laiden foods, but the calories are lower so it has to be healthier. Right??

Wrong! Unfortunately once you get caught up in the trap of counting calories, it becomes soo hard to stop. Even harder when an ED gets involved. In the beginning it’s you innocently checking in on the calories. But then he starts to do the math. He pulls out endless amounts of worksheets and runs the numbers over and over. It gets to a point where you don’t even want to eat.

For me, I’m thankful that I didn’t fall too far into the trap of the “low calorie” foods over nutrition. I have always been more focused on nutritiously dense foods. (However, Ed did learn to manipulate this to my dissadvantage, but 🙂 I’m learning how to turn that around) I did, however, fall into the counting calorie trap. The sad thing is, it truly isn’t your choice until you learn how to let go.

Life certainly does pass you by. But I am beyond elated to say that I have stoped counting calories. I can now focus on enjoying the foods rather than dealing with numbers (for goodness sakes, I hate math) and its pure FREEDOM.

I owe a great deal of this to my nutritionist and her plan. It’s let me focus on the foods instead.

Because I would much rather devour this!

Even if there’s more “calories”. There’s also more nurishment not to mention taste and satisfaction.

When did calories become the enemy?? They are our friends. They give us life!

Have you ever fallen into the calorie counting or dieting trap?

note: The creator of the south beach “lifestyle” is a reputable man. I have no intention of  demeaning him, just the way society looks at food.


Hey guys!!

I’ve missed you! ❤

So I’ve been doing some thinking  about the direction I would like this blog to take. For now, it’s a recovery blog. A place for me to record some of the thoughts that run through my head, share my struggles, learn about myself and how to fight my eating disorder. while informing the people I love about the things involved they cannot see. My initial goal was to keep myself on the path to health and to unmuddle the mess I was living in. So far, it’s helped soo much, life is without a doubt becoming clearer thanks to all my support.

But I have been thinking about the future and I’ve decided that I would like to keep this up for as long as it serves me. I would like it to take on the direction of I guess a lifestyle blog? I don’t want to limit what I document to just nutrition or fitness or travel, I would like to do it all. But I would like it to have direction. Life gives us so much, and I think its worthy of reading/writing about.
I’d like to share about the things I love

I’d like to share about fitness(and of course some tips)

I’d like to share about adventure

about achieving new heights

about stumbling (because I do this a lot :P)

about pushing the limits and finding personal strength

about yoga

about compassion, traveling and new cultures


And the wholesome, real food along the way

as well as the nutrition behind it

and of course, you can’t forget a good cup of coffee…

These are all the things I look forward to sharing with you on my journey to strive for a healthy, full life. As I learn about the foods we nurish ourselves with and the way we achieve physical strength/health.

First and formost, this blog remains a recovery blog. Its about me finding the healthy way to enjoy excercise without addiction and eating properly without restriction. But I will do my best to incorporate this kind of stuff along the way.