Despite waking up waayy too early on a sunday, there was something so pleasant about this morning. It sounded like rain as I begrudgingly rolled over, trying to find a comfortable position on my too soft bed. I couldn’t tell if it was my stomach or the bird outside my window that kept me up. i figured it had to be at least six, the sun was starting to rise, I knew because I could no longer find a dark enough spot burried in my covers. But my phone said it was only a few minutes past 5. I groaned and tried to fall back asleep, it didn’t work. i think my body was just telling me I needed food, but I didn’t want to get up for breakfast at, ugh, really? only 5:30? Well, the sun was comforting and that annoying little bird was singing a sweet song. I laid there for another hour and began to enjoy the sounds coming from outside my window. Finally I remembered the book that I’ve been meaning to read, picked it up and then decided I needed some tunes. I turned on pandora and cracked it open.
Journey of Desire, this is by far one of the best books I have ever read. A friend of mine loaned it to me last summer and I’ve been meaning to re-read it. It’s about the desire within man and how we yearn for life, real life. A life with God, but not only that, I life with purpose and meaning. It’s about how we cannot let ourselves become satisfied in the way things are and go through day to day without experiencing life, love and being the great men and women we were created to be. There is a reason our hearts cry out for something more. God created us for more. He shows us this through our desire. Over the past few years, I have been studying more about Buddhism. It’s a religion I am really quite fond of.
My inquiring could be part of what has gotten me to the place I’m at. The resistance of desires, to abstaining from indulgences. Whether I realized it or not, this way of thinking may have influenced me more than I knew at the time. The meditative principles of Siddhartha and the pure simplicity that I love so much in their lifestyle. It seems to have freedom and peace. There are some aspects of this life I liked, wanted to follow. Mostly because I saw christ in it, it wasn’t in the way they fasted, not even the way they meditated. But the way they turned the other cheak and the way they were not of this world. They were living for something greater than just themselves. Now I realize that they live for nothing at all. I still think they’re noble, they have the greatest of intentions and their traditions/practices/costums are honorable. I hold Buddism along with the beliefs in the highest of respects. But where is the life within Nirvana?? I knew going into the study that I would have to keep Jesus with me, as a a filter so that I did not loose myself within what I did not truly believe. But I don’t think I held on strong enough. I didn’t like the lack of outreach, the love and fellowship that seemed to be missing I liked the self-awareness but not the restriction. Maybe deep down I began to loose my ways as I explored, the thought didn’t really cross my mind.
I like when things get messy! I like it when life is a little gross, and all the little pores on the skin are exposed to show the dirt coated inside. I live in spontanaity. I enjoy the unknown, I hate when things are too organized. I don’t make plans, I just go whatever way the earth pushes me. I believe that in all things there are good and bad, in the deepest and darkest of society, there is still a beauty within if your willing to get messy enough to clean it out. I may be prone to be reckless, and I need to make mistakes to learn. But I like to throw myself in without limitations. Like a giant boulder rolling down a hill, collecting moss as it rolls, maybe crushing a few trees but powerful. I thrive in passion, in a heart that beats with a fire. Yes, I’m somewhat of a transcendentalist and yes I like to be without society, but not without LIFE. I do see beauty within buddhist teachings, I do see good in their self awareness, however, you cannot supress desire and expect to live fully. I love the mountains, not for their isolation or their stillness, but for their destruction and rebuilding in their majesty. Their beauty and the way they move and the way their movement makes me feel. Feelings, in that desire, in emotions I am too small to understand, that have the power to overwhelm me and how easy it is to both find yourself and loose yourself to them, to become one with them. There is freedom and peace here, freedom without restriction and goodness, beauty and truth without distruction that has no purpose. Life apart from death. I don’t want to be the person who sits on top of the most beautiful peaks in the world supressing the desire to yell from pleasure, I want to be the one who feels how the human heart quivers and experience the joy as the smile willingly cracks on my lips.