I’m Letting Go

Little did I know, that when I titled this blog Letting go, and holding on, I would be talking about the blog itself. I have come to a point where I need some changes. If you know me, this is no surprise.

I’m moving my site to start a new journey. I’m letting go of this one.

I’m still going to post about my recovery and my progress of that sort here.

But I hope that you will follow me here, to The Road Less Traveled where I will still, write about the same things in the same way with a new intention. You may remember that post I wrote about direction. I hope that this new blog will be a little more along those lines, a little less about recovery and a new chapter in my life. I myself, am moving on. I’m moving away from the old me, away from seventeen. Soon, I will be out there, in the world. I’m not satisfied with the ordinary. So come follow me to the extra-ordinary.

Who to be?

The crazy thing is… Through all of this, I still don’t know exactly what I want out of life. Do we ever???

I’m starting to think we don’t.

I have a good idea, more than most but its really no idea at all.

What to do? where to go? who to be?

It’s the ever-changing question of human life.


I Don’t Want to be Right

Rist Canyon Loop with Sager  10-25-07

(I really like this guy&his photos, I’m thinking maybe I should bring my camera on some rides)

About a quarter of the way up to the beautiful summit that awaits at the top of the treacherous 12 miles of beautiful incline that is rist canyon, I realized that I don’t want to be right.


Because if I was right.

I wouldn’t have made it anywhere on this canyon

I would have gotten a flat tire

I would have run out of water about five minutes into the ride

I would have died before reaching the top of the canyon

I never would have seen a deer (Indeed, I saw many)

I would have frozen to death.

If I was right, everything else would go wrong.

So why would I want to be right? As I spun (slowly) aroung a curve in the road, staring at the beautiful sky and senery around me, I was thinking about all of the possible things that could happen, all of the negatives. I then became 100% aware that I welcomed the chance of being wrong. I kick my own negativity to the dust.

Because if I was right

Every storm would become a tornado or maybe a flood

The toast would always burn

I would never wake up to my alarm clock.

Maybe everyday would be Saturday, as I often find myself waking to the thought of Saturday when the reality is that it is a Tuesday.

Sure there would be positives, optimistic as I am 🙂 Like the tests that would always be a week from “today”. But the truth is that I’m only human. My mind is often jumping to the worst conclusion.

Every mole would be a sign of cancer and every headache would turn into a migrane

The friends that are late would have been killed in an accident on the way.

I would die of boredom or a stubbed toe many times.

So in all honesty, I don’t want to be right. I am okay with being wrong. In fact, I’m often very glad to be wrong. From here on out I may stop pushing to win my side of the arguement and maybe examine the benefit of loosing to someone else who can prove me wrong.

Why not now?

Once again, I find myself stuggling with the issues of the rest of the world. As a senior in high school, the questions of my future couldn’t be more pressing.

So pressing that they have woven themselves into my life as of right now. With that, has come the realization that this is not a question about college, senior year, or academics. This is a question about life.

I’m not sure what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to grow up to be.

And that is OK. I don’t have to know, how could I? I’m 17 and besides that, do we ever really know? no, we’re always growing always changing and that is a beautiful thing.

But there are a few things that I do know.

I know that I need to be active, thriving, and spending my time thoroughly emmersed in my passions and adventure.

I may end up at a university

my major? nutrition, i.e. sports nutrition, journalism, philosophy, outdoor leadership??? I don’t know.

maybe cycling for a college team 🙂

I may end up staying close to home, or going far away. I may go off on the NOLS program (Praying, hoping o so much for this!) 

I may go into the peace corps.

I’m not sure about any of this.

But what it has made me realize is that I am NOT ok with putting my live aside and working for something so that I could potentially have a fullfilling life in the future.

the time to be living fully is now.

And so I have become aware that I am not ok with my life as it stands now. …again…. yes, it is time for yet another re-evaluation. What can I say, I am always changing. Don’t get me wrong. My life is great! Seriously, I am so blessed, I’m surrounded by terrific people, great opportunities and a zesty existance. I have just been forced to look at whether I am living the life that is best for who I am.

I feel pulled in too many directions, spread thin like “butter scrapped over too much bread.”  I know what I want to do. I just want to run, ride my bike, feel connected with the natural world and seek out new experiences. I need to find a sustainable way to do these things. (So I’m not totally irresponsible 😉 )I need to surround myself with people who support my desires and respect them as much as I do.

I know I need a change, I know that I cannot wait.

So I ask you…

not if you know who you are or who you want to become. Not if you know what your future will look like.

But where are you right now? Who are you? and most importantly, are you living fully?

Is the person inside bursting with energy, exitement, desire? Are you content in your sorrows and in your joys? Are you thriving and full of life? Do you feel overwhelmed with love?

Are you happy?

Maybe it’s time for all of us to do a little re-evaluation. Life is much to short to wait for tomorrow. Because Frankly, tomorrow never comes. So we must embrace the beauty of today.

What is an ending

Monday. I start school tomorrow.

What is it about summer that makes us aspire to get out and do the things we “have always wanted” to, chase after more adventures and act as if finally, we can live? Is it the weather? most likely not. Is it the longer days? we feel like we have more time so maybe. It’s the approaching deadline. There is a definite ending. If your a procrastinator like myself, the sight of a cutoff is the only way things get done. It’s exciting because it doesn’t last. Summer may have reached its end, but my “bucket list” still remains incomplete.


Why is it that we feel we have those short two months to live. The only “deadline” I want in my life is the one in which I stop breathing. Life hasn’t ended because summer has and life didn’t start when summer did. So I will continue life. I’ll keep my summer attitude and I’ll keep crossing things off my bucket list.

Jamie Oliver: Teach Every Child About Food

Jamie Oliver, love him. I can’t say anything more or anything better than he did on this topic but it is a VERY serious and immediate issue. It should not be like this.

Please just open your ears and eyes to this.

True compassion recognizes that all the boundaries we perceive between ourselves and others are an illusion.” -Daily Om

Continue reading

I Like How The Day Sounds

“Join me in welcoming the sun in

It’s much brighter than the night I hid in, I was a long long way off”


Why choose to live in the dark? Maybe there is a reason that so many kids fear it, that we sleep through it, maybe not. Maybe there is a reason we are not nocturnal. We need light.

Our days should be bright.

Our thoughts should be uplifting,

Our spirit glowing.

“And I think I like how the day sounds.”

God & all of you who’ve helped me so much a long the way:

“Thank you for opening the window, the sky is clear as my mind is now. Join me in welcoming the sun in. It’s well worth the time that it’s taken to get here now.”

And to All of us, let’s keep pushing, keep dancing and keep living in the daylight. All problem’s aside, we are only human. Meant to live, meant to LOVE


“So go ahead and bang a gong.


Nothing can drown out the sound of the whisper of my love.”     …or her’s….


When I typed sunshine in Google, this stunning woman’s picture appeared before my eyes. No doubt she is someone’s sunshine, I know her beautiful smile lit up my sky. Let her happiness be contagious.

“Oh my love, won’t you sing along?”

“Wont you sing along?”

Humans sweat, it’s what we do.

Note: Some of this feels really personal. I expose my heart and soul to all of you and I hope you respect that.

I love sweat! It is so incredibly cleansing.

I don’t just love sweat for its detoxification. I love it because it’s so ridiculously human. Like hairy legs, smelling after a few days without a shower, collecting dirt underneath our fingernails. Sure it may be a little gross. But that’s what we are.

Sweat is raw. It’s pure, like a human untainted from what is socially accepted.

Sweat is naked.

As we should be.

Have you ever experienced listening to words that were so spot-on what you needed to hear, it was unreal? Today I did.

I thank sweat for the opportunity to hear it(and God for sending the words through good ol’ pastor Daryl). Yesterday’s yoga class was HOT and seriously sweaty. It opened me up so much, physically, mentally and emotionally. I can’t even explain how much energy is flowing through me. My chakras as aligned and ridiculously open and man it feels amaaazing!! My heart chakra (anahata) was completely opened yesterday. I just feel so connected and in love with everything! For those of you who don’t know, a chakra is an energy center, we have seven major ones.

The yoga practice and sweat opened me up to hear what I was about to. It gave me the peace and awareness that allowed me to process it so fully. –Ah, man, I wonder if you can tell that I’m still riding on yesterday’s endorphins 😉  It’s brilliant(as long as I can have both the strength to eat along with the high.)

Well this morning, daryl began with a the image of a child. A sweet innocent girl, unafraid to act as she felt. She never put up a front, she wasn’t ashamed to dance during worship and to ask others to dance with her. Children don’t hold back. They’re humble. They’re human. They’re naked.

Followed by a story of a disordered guy whose only concern in the world was pop. He was willing to sell anything in his possession for two dollars so that he could by a pop. Daryl wished sometimes that he could have his only worry in the world to be evolved around pop. How simple, how sweet, how little stress he would have to face.

Next came the image of elderly in a nursing home. Confessions of how he sometimes wished he could live in a place like that. What if he could only trade all of his troubles to live in a place where everything was taken care of for him. As if they had no struggles of their own.

The desire to take their place based on the fact that their lives are so simple, straight forward and “unstressful” fails to acknowledge their struggles. The disorder of the man and the health/independence/aging of the elderly, not to mention their personal struggles. Of course Daryl knew that their lives were not perfect, in fact, they probably had more struggles and pain than he did. And that was his point. Why is it that we glorify everyone’s life but our own? Do we gain anything from feeling like we have it worse?? Do we simply enjoy self pity??It’s all a part of the comparison game. We yern for what we do not have.

In his words, we grapple for the things we can’t have.

He talked about Eden, about Adam and Eve and about the fall of man. Personaly, I think the story in Genesis is more about the lessons God is trying to tell us than it is about our actual creaton. God gave them everything, and they were happy. That is, until they started looking towards what they couldn’t have. They were searching for satisfaction in areas outside of themselves, in things that were not ment for them despite the perfection they had already been given. Thus, came the fall of man. There is so much to be learned from the story. God warned them. He didn’t stop them from eating the fruit but he did say that bad would come from it. He provided everything they needed and more. God showed us what a healthy lifestyle is. Nakedness, contentment, company. It’s simple. As Daryl said, when we start to grapple for things we are not ment to have, that’s when we go wrong. Take addictions for example…it’s the unsatisfaction in what we already have that leads to searching, searching for something more. Are the effects of meth good? Sure, they may feel “good” for a bit, maybe provide a bit of an escape, whatever gain it may provide is fake, it’s wrong and it’s no where near as satisfying as the happiness that is already right in front of us….if we will grab it.

  • Looking back now I see that I sought to be pure, unearthly, “holy” you could say. A being that is so much more than the flesh, unaffected by the confusion that consumes society. I wanted wisdom, freedom. Oh freedom. I wanted strength above all things. There was something about pushing the limits of the physical that in turn pushed the limits of the spiritual. And I pushed too far. In trying to escape the confusion, I fell directly into it. Because I was searching for something I already had. The healthy lifestyle I was already well on my way to living, the wisdom I was unfolding in my own mind. I forgot to be content. I was already a being that was more than flesh. I don’t think there is anything wrong for aspiring towards these qualities but it all depends on where and how you search. I can push the physical limits, but there is a healthy way to do so. Adam and Eve could eat fruit, by all means, they were given the best fruit in abundance, but they chose to seek the fruit of the destructive tree. They grappled in what they could not have. We all fell.

In the beginning, they were naked. “Not the naked that makes junior high boys giggle, and grown men gaze down at their feet“-Daryl. They were exposed, they had no secrets. Who they were was raw. They were simply human and were not ashamed. They definitely didn’t wear any deodorant to cover up their stank 😉 haha, but on a more serious note, they just didn’t have anything to hide. But when they fell, they tried to cover themselves. They hid. This only pulled them further away from God and further into their own destruction. 

  • I believe the first step of my healing was exposure. I unveiled everything. To all of you and to everyone, I even tell strangers flat-out if I get a curious look. This blog was probably my biggest tool in putting everything out in the table. But I also speak my thoughts. Within my own head, things can spin like crazy and it goes no where, when I voice it, even without a response, I gain perspective. I don’t hold my thoughts in and let them pull me farther from who I am supposed to be. I throw them out there. I get naked. We’re all only human after all. One of my favorite lines is, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Sorry to say, but we’re not original.

Then God created Eve. He said, “It’s not good for man to be alone“. Yes, some alone time is healthy. But we need socialization. We need someone else to keep us grounded. There is a reason for community.

  • I made support for myself. Yes, God blessed me in the people he put in my life. But I could have easily withdrawn and shut myself away with Ed. I am on my own in this fight but that doesn’t mean I don’t have people to lean on. Someone to give me water when all the running makes me thirsty. But I had to ask. How could I expect someone to give me water and be there if I never told them I was running the race or that I was indeed, thirsty?

Love and community are gifts, but we do have to give of ourselves to receive them. It is not good for man to be alone. It is not good for man to hide and it’s not good for man to seek nourishment from the tree and the fruit that will destroy us. We already have what we need, we know it too. We need to learn how to sit with ourselves, with God, in the garden that he has given to us and accept its beauty, our own beauty. We need to act out in love, take advantage of the partners God has surrounded us with and be the most that we can be. We should test ourselves, that’s how we grow. However, we need to keep in sight what is healthy, noble, true and beautiful.

We need to be content, we need to get naked, we need to embrace community.

We need to cleanse ourselves and open ourselves up to all that is around us and all that we are.

We need to become like little children.

We need to be unafraid of all that is raw and human inside of us.

We need to sweat. Yes ladies, without deodorant.


sincerely yours,

Just another human out there stumbling my way through this beautiful garden.

If you read this far, I’m impressed and thank you. This was loooonngg! lol, I even for bored proofreading. Phew!!

The Contagious Spontanious

Have you ever come across someone who simply made you smile?? no rhyme or reason. The corners of your mouth just turned up and your heart was lightened when you saw them.

In the heart of our town’s “old town” is a statue, below it is a fountain with a pool of water. It has become a wish pool filled with pennies and coins containing the wishes of our residence. In the evening just before twilight, a group of us were walking through the square. Laughter surrounded us as people dinned nearby and groups got ice cream or shopped, the square rats were hanging out, smoking and “chillin” as usual. I saw someone who just made me smile.

He didn’t quit look homeless, all be it, maybe a little crazy but there was something about him that emanated a serene peace. He carried a backpack on his bag and rugged shoes on his feet. His clothes were tattered and he certainly didn’t look clean. He wasn’t asking for anything, just prancing around in his own little world. He looked so happy. With a skip in his step he went down to the water. He bent down, immersing his hand in the pool of wishes and then turned to press his soaked hand on the brick sidewalk behind him, leaving his mark. And then he simply walked away.

We just stared, it caught us off guard. I was not the only one whose mouth turned up into a sweet smile. He had a presence. And it was contagious. We couldn’t resist. It was spontaneous and seemed like something bigger than what we could understand. So we followed his example. We walked down to the water, dipped our own hands and planted our mark right next to his. Staring back at us a was a cluster of different shapes and sizes all together in the same spot and made with the same materials.

The randomness of his action and the breaking away from the mold is something I won’t be forgetting anytime soon. His originality caught the one’s around him off guard. Even though he may have looked different, I knew that when I was looking at him, it was as good as staring in a mirror. I was human, just like him. And like him, I had a place on the earth, a wish for the pool and a hand print to make.

He didn’t know it when he danced his way around the square that he was planting a little piece of his heart in us. His smile spread like a fire and his spontaneity was transferred to us.

Seeing him that night, I was assured of something my heart has known all along.

We are all the same.